Complimentary vuma survival guide.

Step 1. Make sure you are at home when they start the trenching. If not, your fibre box will be proudly displayed smack bang in the middle of where there was once a garden. Step 2. The wait begins to get the line inside your home. Wait. Wait some more. More waiting. (See below for contact details and the ticket escalation process.) Step 3. Now that you finally, after many weeks have the doorway to fibre internet in your home, the friendly man will tell you; “all you need now is the router” éeeeeeeé... wrong. Guess what,... you are back in the hands of the vuma ghost. Step 4. Before any ISP can pay any attention, the vuma ghost needs to configure what has by this stage become Pandora’s box. Step 5. Apparently, (I am not there yet), once this is done you might have earned the privilege to be connected by an ISP.

Now. To get in contact with VUMA the ghost, take your time and fami****ise your self with the lyrics of some of your favorite elevator tunes.

Telephone: When you get help (most of the time not a long wait), expect a ticket number and a promise that the issue has been escalated. Now, here the fun begins. When you phone to follow up you can just quote the ticket number; you will hear, please hold while I check what is going on. Next, one of two things will happen; (1) you will be put on hold until the phone eventually cuts out, or (2) you be told that the issue has been escalated and will be resolved between 24 & 48 hours. Don’t believe this, the vuma ghost will only say that to make you go away.

E-mail: I suggest you send the same message more than once to as many e-mail addresses you can find for anyone at vuma. This way at least you can see them ask each other why no one has resolved your issue, but nothing will get resolved to soon. You will most likely also not receive a reply, but if you do, it will be an escilation promise.

Remember, their services are designed around making you go away, so if you don’t follow up daily you will be waiting for nothing.

I think if you have the patience of Job, and the determination of an Olympic gold medalist, eventually you might get your line working, who knows? If like me the internet has become a part of your daily living and you use it to earn extra income, here is my advice. Stay on a slower ADSL from Telkom; terrible service is at least still service. Don’t expect that from vuma, all you will get is a ticket number and/or a promise.

Good luck.