Poor service, giving me the run around

I have been a loyal customer for almost 20 years. But I’m absolutely fed up. I no longer live in South Africa and I wish to close my bank accounts because I’m tired of paying exhorbitant bank fees for accounts I no longer use. Because I do not reside in SA I obviously cannot go into a branch to do this. I have been told 3 different things by diffeerner people now. 1. I can email a certified copy and a letter stating the reason for closing the account. This involved me taking time off work to go to the consulate (ie- Loss of income!) 2. I can call my branch and do it over the phone (again- lengthy phone calls costing a lot of money) 3. I need to courier documents to South Africa.

Can someone please tell me exactly what I need to do before I waste any more time and money on this process. You can be sure that when I return to SA I will NOT choose standard bank- I’ll take my business elsewhere!