No replacement card 8 months later. Why?

I need someone at Standard Bank to explain to me why I am waiting for my replacement Gold card a whole 8 months after ordering it.

I need someone at Standard Bank to tell me why, after several complaints on Hello Peter and online, I am still waiting for a replacement Gold card.

In between mixed messages ("sorry sir, you were not FICA compliant"/"sorry sir, there wasn't enough money in your account"/"sorry sir, the card was not ordered correctly") and empty promises ("your card will be delivered today"/"I will follow up with you and the branch personally to ensure your card is delivered"), I don't know what else to do.

Do i need to slaughter a *** and pray to my ancestors or hold someone hostage for something seemingly so small to happen? I'm out of ideas and options.