Issues with opening a Standard Bank account

I have been trying to open a new account with Standard Bank for months now. Not one thing has been done correctly and I have had to chase people up for answers. First, I went into the nearest branch (Howick) to sign all the necessary documentation. I signed up for a 'Prestige' account and a credit card, with an additional card for my wife to use. I requested that the cards be delivered to the Midlands branch. I was told that I would be notified when everything was ready. After a month of not hearing anything, I went to the Midlands branch and asked if my cards had arrived. I was told that there were no cards there but that they were at the Howick branch. I went to the Howick branch and was one credit card. When I asked where the linked card for my wife was and where my debit card was, I was told that my debit card was at the Midlands branch (where I had just been and was told that nothing was there) and that there was no record of me requesting an additional card for my wife. I re-submitted an application for my wife's card, was told that all FICA was in order and that I would be notified when everything was ready. I called my appointed personal banker to tell her about the situation and to (hopefully) help resolve the issue. After no hearing anything for a month, I followed up to find out what was happening and was told that my wife's FICA was outstanding. This after opening a joint bond and submitting all the FICA. When I explained this, I was told that I needed to submit it anyway, which I did. After still not hearing anything - not even an acknowledgement of receiving the FICA documents - I followed up once again and didn't get any response. I followed up again and was simply told that the document was in order and I would get the card. No indication of when the cards would be ready or an explanation of what the hold up has been. I signed up for 'Prestige' banking on the promise of a personal banker that would help me get things sorted out. So far, doing something as simple as opening an account has been made into an insurmountable issue that nobody at Standard Bank seems interested in helping me with. They expect me to trust them with my money, but they can't do even the most basic things correctly.