Consistent incompetence in helping me pay you...

Dear Altech,

I got a call this morning from your collections department in Cape Town (the lady made it quite clear of the significance of this, like 'sorry for you, but we've got a Mountain'). The lady tells me my account is in arrears by 9 months. 9 months! Does your accounts department travel by continental drift? Prior to this there was an issue with billing too, which I was led to believe was resolved back then, since like, they took money off my account. I did not notice the subsequent absence of a monthly debit from my account, and they have not sent me one email, invoice, sms, or called for 9 months.

Now I understand that maybe the paperwork wasn't filed and the debit order was never processed - these things happen. Sometimes I lose my gym card for weeks. But now that you have recognised the problem, I have spoken to three consultants, none of whom can assist me in resolving this issue. I would like to give you my money, so you can hire more intelligent people.

I really am happy to pay the amount outstanding - but nobody seems to know how to send me an invoice, or knows the company procedure on dealing with this - everyone wants to pass the buck to somebody else and not deal with the issue, like the Mountain affects mental function in a similar way to that of builders' plumb lines being slightly drawn to it due to the gravitational pull of it's great mass.

The collections department lady wasn't even able to put me through to the head office operator because she's in Cape Town and they're in Midrand. I suggested that I too was in Joburg and our phones seemed quite happy to talk to each other... despite my complete lack of mountain views. So I gave up and phoned the head office myself.

They told me to speak to the collections department... You know how that goes.

Please, somebody who knows the inner workings of Altech, maybe a developer or systems architect who, provided with good coffee can solve practically anything - I implore you to help me resolve this. Please also check that my tracker is working, because I live in Joburg ok. I need that tracker.

Yours, Stuart Windram