Zero help from outside of South Africa

I'm in the process of emigrating financially. This involves the seemingly impossible task of closing down my already-empty Nedbank account.

During the last round of this months-long saga (the earlier parts I'm omitting for the sake of brevity) I spoke to a lady who works with accounts... who mysteriously cannot close MY account. Only the branch where the account is held can do this, in this year of our Lord 2019, in the age of networks and the internet.

She then took note of my international phone number and promised to send a mail to the branch in question. I made her read back my details - both the email address and the phone number (to Nedbank: listen to the recording) but received no email, and no phone call.

It goes without saying that phoning the branch in question led me from one confused person to another.

To Nedbank: your service to customers inside of South Africa is pathetic; outside it is non-existent. Kindly find someone with what I now deem to be esoteric knowledge and close my account, will you? Preferably someone who knows how those confusing international dialing codes work.

Bonus points if you can do this before your ridiculous bank charges come into effect and I cannot close the account because it has a negative balance.