MWEB

I logged a fault. Then I logged another. And another. At this point I feel like I should be earning loyalty points. It’s now been over two months — but don’t worry, I’m constantly reassured that the turnaround time is “24–48 hours.” I assume that’s measured in dog years? Or perhaps on whatever calendar they use on Mars. The online chat feature is a truly immersive experience. If you’ve ever wanted to stare at a screen for two hours questioning your life choices, MWEB has you covered. It’s less “live chat” and more “live demonstration of patience as a spiritual discipline.”

The call centre staff are very polite, which is lovely — unfortunately, they appear to have the same level of authority as a decorative houseplant. Escalate the issue? Oh no. That would imply someone, somewhere, has the power to do something.

I especially appreciate being told my issue has been “prioritised.” After two months, I can only assume that means it’s been prioritised for the museum of unresolved cases.

At this point, I’m not even angry — I’m impressed. Maintaining this level of consistent inaction takes real dedication.

Bravo.