**** YOU MOYO

**** Moyo.

I am a proud South African. I am proud that tourists from around the word can come to places like Johannesburg and experience the beautiful culture. Moyo used to stand as a top tier "African Experience".

Yesterday this all changed. I found myself supporting Moyo for Christmas lunch, expecting nothing less than a spectacular feast, fit for the prestigious Melrose Arch. Let me tell you something. You've been to a concert right? Or any other trashy festival. Where the food can give you worms and the staff are not trained to entertain at all. Well I must say I'd rather have dined at a SmashMouth concert than relive my Xmas celebration.

Let me start with the buffet. Variety? Hardly. Meat? Tough as shoe leather and COVERED with flies. I'm talking enough to write a death metal song about. The man serving the meat hacked the animals as if they had tortured his wife and kids.

Now Moyo is a big place. There are something of 4-5 stories to this building, at least 3 of them being indoors in a cool cave. Temperatures were scalding enough to cook eggs on the sidewalk and the dimwit in charge of this Kangaroo event decided to put the buffet across the courtyard a good 50 meters away from the restaurant... in the sun.

Let's move on to dessert shall we. Remember kid's birthday parties where there would be bowels of fizzas next to the pool and cheap ice cream to celebrate some suburban kid's 9th year? I'd call that more fine and dignified than the dessert buffet. Now the fizzas analogy was literal too, for you see there was a bowl of fizzas as the first option to have with your dessert. Fizzas.... the cheap ass horrible candy that only an under 10 can stomach. Afterwards came... you guessed it! CHEAP ICE CREAM. Do you like variety? Hope not, there was an astonishing collection of Chocolate and Vanilla. Afterwards you had your compulsory cheese and crackers and stale as hell Christmas Cake.

Cherry on top was the "service". What's that? Can't be bothered to get me a free glass of Ice Water to wash down the *** feed? Just don't get it then. Waiters were completely unresponsive and barely knew we were there.

Lastly I want to say a big "**** YOU" to Moyo for ruining my Boxing Day with the worst food poisoning I have ever had in my life. Fever dreams and frequent trips to the bathroom for 30 minute attempts to drain my body of the poison it had ingested. I sit here now with the worst heartburn of my life disgusted that this restaurant claims to be "Proudly African". Show it Moyo, don't poison your customers and spit on your ancestors. I will NEVER patron this pretentious disease hole again.

P.S. band was great. Whoever you were, you were the only thing of quality, hats off to some proud African brothers playing some fine local jazz.