Is it the ANC? Is it a UFO? NO, IT'S FNB!

IS THIS THE ANC? IS IT A UFO? NO – LO AND BEHOLD - IT’S FNB! For the past year and five months I’ve had a somewhat maddening relationship with FNB; one requiring not so much the patience of a saint as that of a granny unravelling a ball of wool tangled to hell by a horde of somewhat clueless kittens. But let me start at the beginning… Following my retrenchment two days before lockdown last year, I careened from hero to zero in the blink of an eye - even, or perhaps especially, as a Private Banking client. My so-called private banker, once but a phone call away, disappeared from the face of the earth, as did any online options for meaningful engagement. A customer care email address apparently does not exist, while their Secure Chats with Private Bankers mark the exact point where commercial travesty meets ridiculous time wastage. For the purposes of this review, I will spare readers the gory details of the Indian deadlock that started in May 2020 and has been hovering in the CEO’s office, sporadically spoiling his morning Post Toasties (or artisanal gluten-free muesli) since November of the same year. Herewith a brief synopsis: The unholy grail of fixed income To begin with, I – like, arguably, millions of South African banking customers - have been crucified on the algorithm of “fixed income”. In a country with an unemployment rate heading for 40% and approximately 2.5 million people having lost their jobs due to the pandemic, this tone-deaf adherence to an unfair, unrealistic and often cruel criterion turns any notions of empowering entrepreneurship or caring banking into a promise as hollow as, come to think of it, an ANC election manifesto. A call from outer space Following more than six months of what I believed to be constructive communication and engagement with my freshly minted new private banker, I was called in early February by a an FNB employee who shall remain unnamed. She informed me that she had been instructed to make a “special arrangement” for me. All she needed was proof of ID and residence and – wait for this! – proof of income. My case rests; the issue doesn’t. Six months, same difference For some months all was quiet on the FNB front, until last Friday when I tried to contact my private banker; firstly to find out what the minimum outstanding payment on my credit card was, as I had not received the usual notification and, secondly, to clarify the discrepancy between the number appearing on my credit card and the number appearing on my online banking profile. She was not available but provided two contact persons as well as the Private Wealth Suite’s phone number. My email to the contact persons was yet another waste of time, as was my call to the Private Wealth Suite. In fact, the number, I was told repeatedly as I rang, did not exist - nor, apparently, do the numbers for their Forex and Credit Card Divisions. Trust me on this one; I have my recent calls record and a certain amount of foam around the mouth to show for it. Really?! One of the many things that irks me is the multimillion marketing and PR BS we are apparently expected to believe the moment it hits the airwaves – FNB’s repositioning as the bank of The Changeables being a case in point. I would sincerely love to know exactly what has changed or can change if fixed income remains the unrealistic and outdated benchmark while inadequate responses are concocted by divisions as disconnected as workers on a Communist Era factory production line. Last but not least… So whence the title of my review, you may wonder. Well, I dropped in on hellopeter.com this morning to find out how my fellow-consumers were experiencing The Bank of the Changeables. One of the reviews was titled: FNB BECOMING LIKE ANC. Mmmm, high five, my friend. While FNB most certainly has a clear slate on the *******ion front, I personally find them guilty of state capture: They have captured my (previously tranquil) state of mind and belief in their capabilities and turned it into a turmoil of ineptitude and uncer*****y. And as for the UFO? Suffice it to say that the discrepancy between the above-mentioned marketing messages and the lived experience of consumers in crisis suggests nothing so much as a voice shouting: “This is earth calling FNB”.