If stars are the rating system, then Execumove is the cosmos

I am going to tell you what I overheard, and it is going to seem fantastical and downright ridiculous, but I assure you, I’ve come to believe ever word of it.

At Execumove, I’ve heard it said, items must be protectively wrapped in such a manner that they can withstand an onslaught by Chuck Norris that’s been genetically spliced with a hippo. On heat.

All the seams must be sealed to withstand being trawled at the very bottom of the Mariana trench, while remaining internally as dry as the Namib after a 5 year drought. Box cutters must be wielded with more finesse and speed than a teppanyaki chef trained personally by Jet Lee. Russian ballerinas make weekly offerings to gold cast statues in their likeness, in hopes that they may be imbued with a trickle of their unearthly grace, elegance and precision.

I’m also certain I overheard that they have an ongoing competition for the most polite, professional, thorough and downright impressive service, where the first prize is immediate retirement to a destination of their choosing, full access to the Rothschild’s bank account, and immortality. And I must say, if I was a judge for that I would have a hard time selecting the winner.

I even heard that all staff members undergo a cutting edge scientific procedure that allows them to suck all the stress and tension from anyone within a five block radius, and convert it into carbon emission reduction. This can also be channelled with advanced mind control s****s to travel via wifi.

I also heard, but I cannot say from whom, but I assure you it’s a most reliable source, that the Swiss modelled their entire society on the s.o.p of Execumove. With no margin for improvement in sight.

Perhaps my hearing is faulty, but my experience most certainly is not. I believe every word I’ve heard and still find it insufficient to capture the flawless, seamless perfection of their service and execution.

I wish that everyone alive, at some lucky point in their lives, get to experience the platinum standard that I have been privileged to experience with Execumove.

If stars are the rating system, then Execumove is the cosmos.