Not a sleigh bed in sight. Just don't buy from them. Simple

So let me tell you a story. It’s a long one, involving a bed, a Wild West shoot-out, two dogs and the reason (well one of them) why I have a progressive grey hair sprout and my body feels 90 to match.

As alluded to in my previous post, my life is a little wonky right now. Going through a divorce is not for sissies, but I decided I could live by myself in the house and pretend to be independent, even if it meant living off the post-apocalyptic-july-2021-riot stash and some tinned goods brought during the lock down era. Yeah, baked beans, tinned tuna and tinned pineapple rings for 3 days does works… as long as it’s washed down with a bottle of cheap gin.

Anyway, one of the first things I decided to get rid of first (after the ex) was the marital bed. It was purchased 9 years ago and perhaps a testimony to the issues of our 10 year matrimony - on his side was a massive bunker, the middle was a hump, then my side was another pit; similar to a pothole on the M7. We didn’t really cuddle, we had separate blankets (him a thick duvet even during Summer and me a normal comforter) and two dogs who were the best contraceptives known to mankind – their favorite place to sleep was between us. I think they knew.

But, since it was now going to be just me and the dogs, I decided that we deserved comfort. No humps in the bed.

It being the beginning of February (just after Januworry) and now having to survive on only my salary, but needing to sleep in style, I hopped on to the Decofurn website to check what they had going. Having previously had an account with them for some bookcases I had purchased, and having paid that off last year, I checked with them that I still had that line of credit available. I mean, have you checked the prices of beds these day?? Who has 15k for a bed in February?

I did some online browsing, selecting a nice sleigh bed that looked different to every other plain base set I ever owned. It was time for a change. The transaction was quick and painless, and delivery and setup was done (at an extra cost) on the 16 February 2022. As I said, this was my first time in a sleigh bed , and this one was much lower than expected. But, nevertheless, no bumps, and it was comfortable. We were in business.

Fast forward to April, two months later, when Durban was living on the edge of the water, and everything around us was tense.

Imagine this.

The middle of the night I was awoken to what sounded like two gunshots, giving me and my pooches the fright of our lives. Tensions were already heightened because of the floods and I had images of either a shootout or something breaking off my house because of the water. After jumping out of bed immediately, checking around the house, calling the security company, CPF and even a police van rolling past for safe measure, we finally decided to go back to bed because there were no ***boys outside.

Exhausted, I just wanted my warm blanket and a good dream. Only to sink almost to the floor unexpectedly, together with another gunshot like sound so loud my dog ****ed, jumped and ran in the air all at the same time.

What in the world? Upon investigation; when I eventually managed to climb my way up, out and off of the mattress, still my beating heart for the second time that night, and control my swearing which had already gone over its daily limit at 1.37am, I found the cause of the problem. The bed.

The bed I brought was not a cheap bed. R4599 is what I paid. This was for the bed frame thing with headboard, a mattress, duvet inner and two pillows. Now, to have paid R4599 to end up effectively sleeping on the floor is not really what I had in mind to be honest when I purchased this bed. I had already donated the pothole bed to a family in need, and so the only other sleeping options in my house are the couch or a unicorn lilo on the pool that has a puncture.

It turns out, those bamboo slats that keep you up at night in lalaland, don't lala- last and have decided, after 2 months, that I am no longer allowed to enjoy a night without being reminded that I need to go to the gym. I am the first to admit I’m a chunky chubs, and gym is a 3 letter word in the dictionary between eat and meat, but no where in the specifications on the advert for the bed online did it say the bed could hold a specific weight, and between myself and my dogs we do not weigh tons. The vet may disagree when I take them for their visits, but my dogs are round, not overweight

In order to get into bed I would have to lift the mattress, reconnect each slat that had popped (they bend out of their socket see pictures) the night before, then slink into bed from the bottom in the middle, and slowly roll into position on my side, and that is the position I have to remain in for the entire night, otherwise......... CRASH! BOOM! BANG!....FLOOR!

Then began the fun part of communicating all of this with the returns department of Decofurn.

Me being me, I of course wrote all the above to them, telling them my sob story, hoping they would have some compassion since I was going through a tough time. I even pulled the disabled card and told them that it’s difficult for me to extricate my body off of the floor with my gammy knee and my broken heart.

Their first option for me was to just replace the sleigh bed, and credit me for that. Something ridiculous like R1999 only. Basically wanting to now break up something that I brought as a set, into individual items, just because they sell those individually in their store. I wasn’t having any of it, and pulled the CPA card and told them to come and fetch their entire purchase. I had not used their duvet or pillows (they were still in the plastic), and I even still had the flat pack box that their guys had just left at my house when they delivered and installed my bed at the extra cost in February.

Their next email option was ‘Kindly note we are arranging a complete set of customized replacement slats. The driver will install these slats'. Jeeeez, how lucky was I to be chosen to receive a complete set of customized replacement slats. They were coming all the way from Cape Town. LA De Da! So I waited. Now,I understand us Durbanites take things slow, but peeps in Cape Town took forever to customize these slats. There was just no urgency for anything, and during this time I had lost the trust of both of my dogs who would no longer sleep on the bed with me. Every night they would climb on the bed, and as soon as I got on they would jump off, waiting for the gunshot. The little girl was so scared she would sleep in the bathroom, not even on the pillow bed I made for her next to my bed, or on her own doggie bed in the bedroom. The boy figured out that if he slept on my head in the middle we were pretty safe.

Eventually they delivered and installed these customized slats, which the installer guy measured against the old slats when I enquired if there was any size difference. He just smiled and shook his head but installed them anyway. Not having lived with a man for a while a little bit of honesty was surprising. No word of a lie. I had one night of blissful sleep. One. That’s it. I felt like a queen the next day. I even put a bra on.

But, like every bottle of good Rosé, it didn’t last more than one night, and the next night I was back to singing Roxette songs and my baby girl, who had spent her first night in weeks the night before curled between my fat rolls, was back hiding between the cistern and the tub.

I no longer possessed a sense of humour. My funny bone had hit the tile the night before and shattered together with my patience. It was the long weekend so I had to simmer and couldn’t phone them and advise them just what they could do with their cheap Chinese pieces of imported wood. It would not have been a nice conversation, and perhaps they were lucky my sarcastic side was also taking a public holiday. After a few emails with them (because let’s face it, this whole situation has made me realize I would not do well in a jail cell on those beds after being arrested for what I would’ve said in a phone call) we came to a compromise that they would now give me a base, leave just the headboard and take the bleep-bleep-bleep slats away.

That was the deal last week Thursday. I’m tired. I’m tired of sleeping on something that I can’t sleep on. That I only feel safe sleeping on if I sleep diagonally or perpendicular to my pillows. Or on the couch. On a bed that I literally have to play Jenga with before I get onto it, take a deep breath, or not eat. That I need to go on diet just to get a few hours of sleep.

Anyway, they were supposed to come deliver it today. I waited. They didn’t come. I phoned, and apparently their truck broke down. They knew this at 8am, but didn’t bother calling to tell me, apologizing for the ‘miscommunication’ and the ‘inconvenience’, perhaps thinking that this sad, fat divorced woman doesn’t have anything better to do with her life but wait around for her bed. After all, she has waited for almost a month since she first complained, what’s one more night?

Moral of the story: Don’t buy from Decofurn. Just don’t.