The Thrilling Absa Runaround

Oh boy, do I have a tale for you! My life feels like a ridiculous circus these days, and the ringleader of this chaos appears to be none other than Absa bank. Let me break down this comedy of errors...

It all started on December 2nd when I spotted two *****ulent charges for R4476.33 on my account. I call up Absa and get connected to an agent with an attitude more *****ly than a cactus. But I hold my tongue and report the *****, and her royal surliness finally cancels my cards after dragging it out for an eternity and a half. But oopsie ****sie, then I'm informed I need a police report to actually file a claim. Silly me for assuming the bank would handle ***** claims internally!

So I schlep on over to the police station, only to be told this ain't their jurisdiction because the crime occurred overseas. But not to worry - they'll "see what they can do" and give me some meaningless case number eventually. Super helpful, thanks guys!

I call Absa to update them on my lack of progress. And would ya believe it, they tell me my bogus case number ain't good enough! Apparently I need some official affidavit swearing why I couldn't get a real case number from the cops. Are you actually kidding me??

But fine, I get the idiotic affidavit and send it in, naively thinking this circus act must finally be wrapping up. HA! Days go by without a single peep from Absa. So I send some strongly-worded emails out into the abyss before a lady named Charlotte reaches out. She seems oh-so-helpful and claims she's the investigator on my case now. Phew, finally! But HOLD the phone - then she tells me I need an actual legit case number from the police after all! Well butter my biscuits - the previous agent clearly gave me bad information. I'm fuming at this clown circus!

Back to the cops I go, pathetically begging the station commander to do his job and help me out. He says he'll look into it and gives me some bogus "IB number" in the meantime, promising it'll link to a real case number eventually. And I'm the Queen of England!

Then, just as I get home to send all this nonsense paperwork to the ever-so-helpful Charlotte, she calls me up again. And you'll never believe this - she casually admits the first agent *****ed up and canceled THE WRONG CARD! I can't even make this up! She apologizes for her idiot colleague who clearly belongs in the circus. So if more ***** had happened, I'd be stuffed. But who cares about the li'l people, right Absa?

So more days pass with no update from Absa, which makes zero sense because Charlotte had been so gosh darn helpful and responsive before! I call back to check in, only to get bounced around to clueless agents with zero real information. Then one phone jockey casually mentions Charlotte is on leave and - get this - NO ONE is handling my case at the moment! I cannot even...

The rotten cherry on top of this comedy sundae is when some bright agent tells me my bogus IB number is invalid. And I need to go BACK to beg the police again! That's right, fully beg and grovel. Absa is honestly too much.

Long story short, I still have zero resolution, zero case handler, and need to become a panhandling hobo to get my own hard-earned money back. Just WOW.

Absa, you all should be ashamed at how horribly you've dropped the ball and failed a good customer. I won't soon forget this three-ring joke of a process. Get it together and learn how to treat high-income clients, because as soon as I get my money back, I am outta here! What an effing circus.