The Bank or the Trommel? Decisions, Decisions, Decisions!

<p>And at the risk of sounding deranged, I declare that I hate banks in general - Absa in particular; I hate false promises in general - Absa in particular; I hate incompetence - Absa in particular - I hate blame-shifting in general - Absa in particular (its always the "system's fault"); I hate delusions of grandeur in general - Absa in particular:- in fact I hate doing business with Absa fullstop!!!! But I DESPISE not having choices in general - in Banking in particular. After all, where in this declining Country filled with ****** can one find banking service which rates the honest client's interests top of their priority list? NOT A SINGLE ONE! And they have legislation this and legislation that which backs them up while they distort the already skewed laws to suit their purpose. I want to safely store my money in competent hands to avoid being ****** in the streets of the few dirty banknotes I'm capable of earning in the terminally ill economy, and I have to strip bare my very soul to prove that I am competent to deposit my few pennies in their coffers. I somehow have the feeling it should be the other way around - I should be interrogating their abilities and competencies to be put in charge of my hard-earned cash, but no, I have no idea even if my "Relationship Manager" can "read, rite or do rithmetic". And government hands out ever more ammunition to these aggressors in the war against us masses who do horrible things like pay their salaries with our ever increasing bank charges for this, that and the following. But let me get to the point of this particular review. I did warn the reader at the outset that I may be seen to be deranged and I would not take umbridge at such an observation as I believe that I am indeed being driven to insanity by "The Bank" and "Fica" (aka the government's free-issue ammunition to financial institutions).</p> <p> </p> <p>In my search to understand the process which has driven my 3-years-up-to-date continuous nightmare and holy war to prove - as the FIC Act puts it - that I am not "involved in money laundering activities" or "transacting under a false name", I came across a do***ent published by Absa in easy, understandable language (according to banking regulations as part of treating customers fairly) called : "FINANCIAL INTELLIGENCE CENTRE ACT (FICA); Version date 2012/11/20" (WHAT???? NOT BEEN UPDATED FOR 3.5 YEARS?) and the first heading of the do***ent is "ESTABLISHING AND MANAGING BUSINESS RELATIONSHIPS – CUSTOMER IDENTIFICATION AND<br />VERIFICATION". A little blurb follows and the first sub-title is "When are the FICA customer identification and verification requirements applicable?" It deals with all new clients have to go through the FICA process before the bank will transact with them and existing clients at the implementation date of FICA will also have to prove their bonafides. After the initial process, the bank may put one through the paces under the following conditions, and I quote from the do***ent:<br /><br />"- Applying for new products;<br />- Renewing existing facilities e.g. overdraft limits;<br />- Requests to change a customer type or entity change e.g. changing from a Close Corporation to a<br />Company; and<br />- At other natural points of interaction"<br /><br />A search through the Government Gazetted FICA legislation also did not produce anything more concrete as to the intervals between updates. One clause bothers me ...... "at other NATURAL points of interaction". Hmmmm ..... open to interpretation, but I think twice in two weeks could be a little unnatural? There have been no instances of the first three checkpoints above in my dealings with Absa in the last three years so it has to have something to do with that "natural point", but my account has gone into FICA lockdown 7 times in three years - without warning, without written request for information and without subsequent apology when they admit to locking down my pennies without reason. All they could offer by way of explanation was - wait for it - my favourite - THE SYSTEM DOES IT AUTOMATICALLY! I have to ask, being old-school and not a geek, who designs the system and who inputs data into the system? Humans do! So human, FIX IT! <br /><br />I have an impressive saved folder containing a papertrail of the events over the past three years leading up to my decision to post this review. It angers me that I am forced to keep such correspondence to cover my own tracks to prove that I have cooperated at all times, yet the neglectful incompetence of the banking system's designers or drivers or both keeps shutting down my ability to transact on my account every time at month-end when I have commitments to deal with. Suddenly we enter a new arena where I, the client, deserving of some consideration in a supposedly "fair treatment environment", morphs into a slow payer and next time I feel so inclined to buy something for which I do not have the immediate cash and seek credit, may be challenged with "credit bureau has listed you as a slow payer". <br /><br />On 30 April 2016 I attempted to pay workpeople for services rendered and the odd purchase here and there. The online payment facility threw a red line across the screen at me announcing: 'NOT IDENTIFIED OR VERIFIED". It was after hours, on a Sa****ay - the absolute comfort of doing banking online - available 24/7/365. Sadly nobody at the back end from Absa was available to sort out my problem. Surely not Fica? It was all done, finalized, confirmed and dusted in November 2015 (the 6th time in 2.5 years). Must be the internet playing up. Skip Sunday and Monday 2 May 16 and umpteen calls transferred from one department to another, a friendly bank official told me with a smile in his voice (clearly well trained in telephone manners) "oh, that's just a FICA lockdown." just? Just? JUST????? Have they ever been locked down unnecessarily? Will they still call it "just a lockdown" if they have had that happen seven times in 3 years without provocation? I doubt it. None of the FICA staff wanted to listen to my tirade or even attempt to help me, the person whose name I had on correspondence from 2015 had to be traced to handle the call. Really? So just pass along the problem customer until she gives up and slams down the phone. Sorry Dearies, my nickname is Pit Bull and believe me I've earned it. Get used to it, I DON'T GIVE UP. I wish I could get all of you in a venue to teach you life s****s about sticking with the problem until a solution is found, or like follow-through after the call has been completed, or the principles of common courtesy to keep your promises of returning phone calls, sending information on email, or to refrain from trying to shift blame and get some team spirit (I hope Absa employees work as a team although I have no evidence to support that notion at this point) That sort of old-school nonsense goes such a long way towards "RELATIONSHIP-BUILDING" which runs like a golden thread through all your published media and protocols but which you clearly have zero understanding of. </p> <p>And after 3 days of struggling to find somebody to actually stop transferring me and handle the problem, behold a knight in shining armour unlocks the lockdown within minutes on the third day, calls back to confirm I can transact, confirm that they have had the necessary do***entation all along, apologizes for the inconvenience and proudly announces that I will not hear the word FICA from Absa for another 6 years at least. Yay, mission completed, done and dusted, finished, tetes lestai!<br /><br />And exactly Winnie the Pooh going around and around the tree convinced his own footsteps belong to sneaky creatures called "woozles", the circle was completed again today, 12 May, 7 calendar days, 5 working days later. </p> <p>NOT IDENTIFIED OR VERIFIED. The FICA mantra. I looked in the mirror, no, it is clearly still me who was identified and verified 7 days ago. Maybe buying stuff from the local grocer or the odd online shopping transaction, or a few debit orders to things like small savings account which have been active, oh for about 30 years, make the red lights of money laundering flast to the keepers of the country's good morals. Maybe there is just an evil gremlin in the "system" with a grudge against me......<br /><br />or maybe ABSA JUST DON'T GIVE A ****. <br />Tomorrow I will take my pitbull self to the pitbull dentist to see about extracting those **** teeth that sink into issues, held together by a jaw that won't let go. Let's see what the morning yields.<br /><br />And I wish to extend my sincerest apologies to those people I promised to make a payment to tonight. Maybe I will invest in a trommel to put under my bed and you can collect hard cash from me as necessary. But then I have to put up more security in case somebody who knows a ******** and knows me passes along the info ......</p> <p> </p> <p>I did apologize at the outset about my state of mind. I wish to reiterate once again that I may be a little bit insane right now. I'm just looking up the correct address at Absa where my psychiatrist can send his bill to.<br /><br />Greetings for now.</p>