My adventures with ABSA, the people's bank

<p> </p> <p>I would like to express my gratitude to ABSA for the incredible adventure they sent me on (unfortunately at my own expense)</p> <p> </p> <p>So, let me diarize</p> <p> </p> <p>I have been with ABSA bank for yonks. We’re talking 14 years or so. I have a small business account with them. Let us start with internet banking fees. Been with ABSA 14 years? Have a phenomenal 01 employee, and banking fees that will make your eyes water.</p> <p> </p> <p>Any breather for a micro business on banking fees? Nooo, oh my darling, we must milk you for all that you are worth before you go belly-up. I mean, we all know that 95% of micro business fail, don’t we? Even after 19 years in business. And no, R 900.00 on banking fees for a business doing about R 20 000.00 turnover per month will definitely not bankrupt you, will it? I mean, we must also make a living and pay hundreds of thousands in bonuses to the top dogs?</p> <p> </p> <p>Where did you, mere mortal, expect the money for that to come from?</p> <p> </p> <p>Then comes 23 June 2017. Goes to ATM for a balance enquiry, and the ATM starts swearing at me in code that my account is not valid. OK. So, it is after 16:00, and maybe there is a problem with the system. After all, it is not like I need money to feed my family or anything. We will just dive into the dogs’ balanced and fully nutritious kibble. No problem.</p> <p> </p> <p>24 June 2017. Nope, you’re still irrelevant to three ATM’s, 2 from ABSA and another from SASWITCH. Nope, go away peasant! Go speak with your bank!</p> <p> </p> <p>So there I am, still bleary eyed from getting up so early on a week-end, waiting in line to see who-ever.</p> <p>O joy! I am allocated to the charming Brumhilda. My dear ATM slips that I have cradled in my boozem for safe keeping to show the conglomerate that I am not lying, apparently means jack squat to the lady, as she takes my card after a curt “Good morning”, and psychically tries to resolve the issue.</p> <p> </p> <p>“There is no money in the account” it is announced. I get a warm, fuzzy feeling around my heart. I have never felt so important and valued by my bank before. Great, I think. At least now I don’t have to check my balance at the demonic machines outside. But it still does not resolve my problem. Meekly I ask “Is that why the ATM won’t take my card?”</p> <p> </p> <p>After another, very curt “Yes”, I realise that the dear Brumhilda does not mean to be so waspish. Clearly she has a headache, or a toothache, or severe cramps. And the pain must be abhorrent for her to be unable to unclench her teeth long enough to have a decent conversation with the client in front of her. I leave the bank, chastised for my irresponsible behaviour, want to check my balance if there is no money in it. No friendly goodbyes. After all, friends can dispense with normal pleasantries, can’t they?</p> <p> </p> <p>Sunday was, well, Sunday. Come 28 June 2017, and I receive notice of payment from a client. Needing to pay my slave at work, I go the ATM (again). Lo and behold, 56 screams at my angrily from the screen. Taking my slips with me again, here I come, ABSA.</p> <p> </p> <p>And, for an early Monday morning, the prize I win is to visit Ms. Personality again. Explaining the situation again (the slips really has no value to this woman), I am informed that there is nothing wrong with the account. Now, correct me if I am wrong, but, why am I here, again? Oh, yes. For the company.</p> <p> </p> <p>Do not know what she does, but I suddenly have access to my account. No madam, you don’t have to smile at your client. I can smile wide enough for the both of us.</p> <p> </p> <p>Tuesday, 27 June 2017 and I miss the ATM. I am rolling in the dough. I can even afford to buy my family a bread AND a jar of Skippy’s best peanut butter.</p> <p> </p> <p>But, eish, Wednesday, 28 June 2017 . . . another payment, and rent to pay. Lucifer spews his sulphuric breath at me through the ATM. 56! 56! 56! He cackles.</p> <p> </p> <p>This time, both myself and my wife go to the bank. Ai tog, luck just is not on my side. Good morning, Ms. Sunshine. And yes, it is a beautiful morning to want to walk in front of a moving bus, with all the time I spend with you great guys at ABSA. Don’t you think it is time to start offering me coffee? Or use of a toilet?</p> <p> </p> <p>NO? Sorry, just asked.</p> <p> </p> <p>So the smiling genome being out of action again, does something. Elsa goes outside to test whilst another client is being helped. And another. Elsa returns, black clouds hanging over her head, steam coming from her ears. 2 slips, announcing. 56! 56!</p> <p> </p> <p>No madam, we don’t greet each other again after I was gone, we really do not have time for such trivial things today. Apparently your telepathic abilities to communicate is better developed than mine. A new PIN is entered and, thank ye gods, I can draw money to make sure I have a place to sleep tonight.</p> <p> </p> <p>Thursday, 29 June 2017. Hell in a handbasket. NONONONO. Elsa goes to the bank, because I fear I may just destroy the newly renovated building when I blow up. Elsa returns. Kind Indian lady, Batsheba? Mispah? Sorry dear, I truly forgot your name “maybe it is the card?”</p> <p> </p> <p>Unfortunately better half is not a signatory, so there I go. Land up with Kennith. Ask for a new card (even though the current card is less than three months old, but, then again, who keeps track of these things?)</p> <p> </p> <p>So Kennith asks me why a new card was not issued on Monday already? I don’t know. Ask little miss Brilliant on the other side. I mean, it is not like my 389 690 years in the banking industry is insignificant. Why did I not think of it first? Oh, yeah, right. I don’t work for the bank.</p> <p> </p> <p>New card, new PIN. Hooray! Money, money, money!</p> <p> </p> <p>Friday, 30 June 2017. My card still works! I want to buy Dom Perignon to celebrate. Oh, wait, microbusiness. Cannot afford it. Have a nice cup of coffee instead.</p> <p> </p> <p>Saturday, 01 July 2017. Here we go again. Same story. Trying to do something for an extra income. Find the news from the ATM sitting like a canker on Satan’s behind too late to go to the bank.</p> <p> </p> <p>Come Monday, 03rd July 2017. Have to go to Ottosdal for work. Need the money. Need the dough, need the bread. Put petrol in the car. R 400.00, on my credit card, please. Declined. Declined again. Awful Trashtalking Machine tells me to ****** off. No, I am not embarrassed at all. Why should I be? It’s not like every-one is conspiring against me? Is it? Scratch out the money from places where I am embarrassed to say, but, here we come, work.</p> <p> </p> <p>Uses ABSA’s extremely user friendly web site. In a bit of a hurry. I mean, it’s not like I have to work or anything. I make my meagre salary by sitting on my thumb and rotating. Get a number for a credit card customer care. Easy peasy. Nope, madam, this is Discovery Card. Apparently a plebeian’s gold card is nowhere near as important as THE DISCOVERY CARD. The card to have if you want to find something on the website without dissecting each page that says “Credit card”, especially if you are in a hurry to get back to work. You know, money, money, money, it’s not funny.</p> <p> </p> <p>Fortunately the kind lady transfers my call to the correct person. Finally, another type of answer. Maybe FICA? Those *******s! Wanting to know where I live and breathe. How dare they? Oh? It’s not FICA? Thank you for your help, madam. Yes, yes, I will go into my bank, but first, Monday is set aside for work, work, work. You get the idea.</p> <p> </p> <p>Come Tuesday, 04th July 2017. Not in the USA. Not a jolly day for me. I walk into the bank and, the first poor sap I see “Manager. Now.” I know, I know, you catch more flies with honey, but, really? Really? 7 times and my problem is not resolved? I feel like I have not gone number 2 for weeks and is ready to explode.</p> <p> </p> <p>Poor Memry is the hapless victim today. Apparently some-one else has the same problem? HWHEALLY? At least she lets me rant and rave (after I warned that I will be speaking policeman today), and patiently seeks any reason for the problem.</p> <p> </p> <p>Takes me to customer care, where the system is off-line. Again. THAT, I do understand. I mean, after the hefty fine, one should cut down on costs, shouldn’t we? How else are we going to make the money back? We’ll get and pay some-one once too many customers complain. Tell the truth, even though I am built like a double decker bus, apparently I still don’t count as too many customers. So the poor, poor Memry does the only thing she can: does a chip maintenance.</p> <p> </p> <p>Yay! I can draw a statement and hang my head in shame at the still-zero balance. Credit card has the money, and I use it online, but I don’t need cash right now, so leave it there. Right? Makes sense not to carry too much cash with you.</p> <p> </p> <p>05th July 2017 rolls around. Gotta give wifey cash to go to Zeerust. Muddy sheet on a clothesline! Both accounts invalid (and by now, I have checked that neither card gets close to a magnet or anything of that sort). Gotta go to Vryburg myself, but first: Bank Manager. Not a peon. Fortunately for me (second in line when the bank opens), Obakeng is in front.</p> <p> </p> <p>Guess who takes my slips for the first time (all 4 of them, 2 per account)? My wife always says, if you can read, you can go places. The very first person to actually see that the last four digits on the business card does not correspond to the slip.</p> <p> </p> <p>Hallelujah! Maybe I’ll walk out of here and scrimp and scrounge for the mom-hits-dad wine after all. Does whatever. Takes time. I am running late. But Hell will freeze over if I leave this problem be. Go outside with the employee. (Basika?/Mispah? Sorry, girl) Nope, you’re still *****ed, madam. I ain’t giving you nuthin’.</p> <p> </p> <p>Back into the bank, where who-ever is called. Results (not Mispah’s fault). Oh no, we have had a problem like this for the last three days? Really? And what about those days from 23 June 2017 to 04th July 2017? Or maybe the technicians were too busy playing World of Warcraft to notice the problem? Noooo, I know, they are all writing code and developing new games (which will make them millionaires, yay!) to make up for the terrible salaries after the fine. They are still counting the coins that they received as change, trying to decide who’s going to buy today’s pizza.</p> <p> </p> <p>So I walk out of ABSA. None the wiser, being told my problem will be escalated for attention and, yes, they will contact me via my cellphone. It is now Thursday, 06th July 2017 and I am sitting with my phone, a 16 year old waiting for her boyfriend to call.</p> <p> </p> <p>And no, ABSA, the only reason I did not close my business account yet, is because my clients know this account only. The closing process will take time, but I will get there.</p> <p> </p> <p>Maybe I will open an account with (the not-fined) boring, dependable, established Nedbank for a small, boring, dependable business. Or maybe I will go to young and perky Capitec Bank, where their service is always friendly, because the customer is important, because our fees are so low, we need more of them to pay our friendly staff.</p> <p> </p> <p>And, no, ABSA, do not worry about my expenses for the new card and other things. This is a short-term loss. And, no, ABSA, do not worry about my time that I lost with you where I should have been working, because, I said I was going to tell every-one.</p> <p> </p> <p>And I am</p>