How could you possibly make the UIF experience worse than it is? Simply add a pinch of ABSA.

Monday 23 Aug

Imagine this, the most damaging of all punishments; when you have to deal with ABSA and UIF regarding the same matter and get shifted from pillar to post, much like a pawn in chess.

I can't play chess; I don't know the game. What I DO know is that communication, direction and instructions between and from these entities are non-existent.

What took 10 MONTHS to eventually seeing a small promise of a payout from the ever-*********** UIF (mainly the call center, but recently the Goodwood Satellite branch) had finally been paid into my Cheque Account at ABSA. Finally, I could sort out the school fees for my children and my rent after these were hanging by the last threads before having to totally reshuffle my life. I give it 3 days and check online.

Oh but wait, not so fast there soldier!!!

I notice that my banking app isn't working and I check if I can log in online, only to discover that my account is suspended. The money, MY MONEY!!!!!! is "there" wherever "there" may be as told by ABSA over the phone, but I will need to have proof of payment from UIF first. I bite my tongue, and put on my big girl panties in preparation to brave the UIF queue, straight from the pits of hell.

I do this the next morning to speak to the person that helped me initially, that, at this moment is now nearing the fence to tell us sheeple to get out of there, they can't help, our time is up, better luck next time.

I get her attention and tell her my scenario, resembling a castrated prisoner behind the "Fence Of Dying Dreams". She utters, :"We don't supply POP's, and tried her best, successfully so, to not give me an alternative solution. She gathers her troops and retreats back into the Castle Of Confusion.

I go back to my car, thinking that I could have spent all that time looking for work rather than burning precious fuel and stand in a queue, which was unfortunately the only option. Queen Misery herself said that the phone number that is widely displayed on the web and associated with Castle Of Confusion is for outgoing calls only. The incoming rings are merely random noises aimed at keeping them awake, much like an alarm clock, except this one has the functionality of eternal snoozing.

Inside my car, I call ABSA to tell them that I can NOT get a POP from UIF, Castle Of Confusion dept, and the nice lady on the other end says I shan't be troubled kind sir, and that the should venture into the horizon in search of their helpful branches, where I will be assisted and have this problem sorted out. That the Kingdom Of UIF is not to be the chosen one.

At ABSA (San Tyger), the branch that I "appointed" as my main branch after moving to Cape Town from East London 9 years ago, and being with ABSA for what could be close to 30 years, when they were still associated with Volkskas, I thought, better the devil you know, than the devil you don't.

I make it to the front of the after playing musical chairs (Covid Edition) and the lady behind the counter took my details, made a copy of my ID, got the manager's security PIN punched in and then, called ABSA, (even though she was already there) to ask about my case. She was told, to tell me, that I need a POP. I stated that I couldn't get one, but the instruction from the powers that be, the phone gods, remained so. I tried to show a brave face and **** a smile and leave with my head between my knees.

- Dear ABSA,

1. If I called YOU and asked, please see if there is money in my account and if you say yes, and I asked where could it be from. If your reply is "UIF" as it would indicate as much, surely. We live in the 21st century and people have already landed on the moon. Would you then perhaps answer your own question?

2. If you didn't suspend my account without consulting with me, would the money reflect, no questions asked?

3. My apologies. Disregard the above scenario in point #2. The last communication I had with ABSA was telephonically where I explained to Agent *** from the call center that the R5K that is in arrears on my cheque account should be rectified automatically when my UIF money reflects. And all the penalties paid during the period it was in a negative, means ABSA will always win as part of the tactic of implementing hidden fees everywhere:

Admin Fee, Transaction Fee, General Fee, Withdrawel Fee, SMS notification Fee, Platinum Client Bundle Fee, Online Fee, Overuse Of Card Fee, Underuse Of Card Fee, Branch Manager Trip To Turkey Fee, Printing Of This Document Fee, Small Print Fee, Whatever Fee Charging Fee, Fee For Charging, Fee Fee.

We ended the conversation, all smiles and filled with joyousness; a sense of closure and finality bestowed upon us.

Well, I thought so. You rather decided to suspend my account.

4. Who decides that there must be a R10K cap on the need to have a POP associated or not? If I was paid in 5 installments of R10K, would that have sufficed even if the account was **suspended.

**REMINDER, ABSA decided, without my knowledge, that this would be better for everyone.

ALL JOKES ASIDE, I owe you R5K. You owe me R50K!

Do the math, you work with numbers every day. Other peoples numbers, but they are still numbers.

Farewell ABSA.