Degrees of comparison: Bad, Horrible, **********, Absa.

Yeah - I'm sure by the title of this review you will notice that Absa is not my favourite bank in the world. The backstory is quite long so I'll get straight to it: Years of disappointing service has lead me to cancel my account. For any unfortunate souls who still bank with Absa and who want to cancel his/her account, here is a description of my experience:

1. Go to my closest branch. (The only way to close your account is by physically going to a branch. To open an account is easy though; you can do so online, telephonically or by visiting a branch). Anyway. I get helped by the receptionist (Very friendly I'll concede) and I'm told to pay R252,98 to settle and close the accounts. (BTW - I paid every last cent over the previous month - I had a zero balance on both accounts - I just didn't get time to go to the branch in order to close the accounts. The R252,98 is purely 1 month of bank charges. It's madness.) I have to pay cash at the teller. Yes. Those dreaded queues. You can find them at FNB when time travelling back to the 90's. Absa believes in keeping things old school so there I am, waiting 27 minutes in a queue and eventually reach 1 of the 2 consultants decided that the weather is fine enough to work today. Absa - Today, Tomorrow, Together, In Queues. 2. I pay my R252,98 only to be told that I still owe an additional R19,60. What? Oh, this is the charge for closing the accounts. Riiiiiigght. Anyway, by that stage I'm so tired of fighting the modern day real life bridge trolls so I just pay up. I'm given a transaction record / slip and I am assured that all is settled and that my cheque account is closed. BUT. I have to phone a number to close my credit card officially. An Absa branch cannot close an Absa credit card - and then they wonder why people switch. 3. I get back to the office and phone the number. This was a 42 minute phone call. To sum it up: The consultant couldn't pick up the transaction that I made at the branch the morning. I was told to go back to the branch. I refused. I explained that I already wasted an hour of my life going to the branch to close both accounts. My instructions were perfectly clear: I want to settle and close both of the accounts on my name. I did everything they asked me to do and paid what I was told to pay. So it was an error on their side. Mistakes happen, I get that, but I told them that they need to rectify their own mistake. I do not think this is an unfair request. After some holding, and then some more, and then some more, I'm eventually told that they will try to sort it out. 4. The branch, where I made all the payments, phones me. They spoke to the teller that assisted me, and apparently I said I will phone the credit card number to get my balance on the credit card and then settle another time. Now this is just a blatant lie. I already had the credit card statement, (got it from the reception lady), I gave him both statements and said I wanted to settle. I didn't "want" to phone the credit card guys, I was told I had to after settling the account with the teller. Why oh why would I want to settle the credit card later when I could just to it while settling the cheque account? Because I like to struggle? Because I like queues and holding for 30+ minutes on the phone? No. The teller messed up and shifted blame to me. Easy to make it a "he-said-she-said" problem.

In conclusion, I need to pay an additional R50,74 to settle my credit card before I can close it. That brings me to a total of R323,32. ONE MONTH OF ABSA BANK BANK CHARGES PEOPLE - remember that both accounts was at a zero balance last month and I haven't used either accounts since then. I strongly suggest you rethink with whom you bank with if you are still an Absa client.

Absa - please find the easiest way for me to settle this ridiculous account in order for me to be rid of you once and for all. My wife is still an Absa client. I have never asked her to switch just because of my bad experiences with Absa, after this, fortunately for her, she decided to do so on her own accord. Hopefully this will inspire others to do the same.

(P.S. - I have statements and reports to back up everything I said - I try to be professional when writing reviews but this one sorta got away from me - apologies for that - still remains true though.)